Thursday, May 2, 2013

Why am I not better yet?

Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself.  I am impatient with the progress I am making in the recovery department.  "It is May already, for Pete's sake!"

I expected my brain to heal so much faster than it is.  When I look at the long road ahead of me, I see so much work that needs to be done.  It’s discouraging, disheartening, and exhausting.  I am tempted to surrender, raise the white flag, give up, raise my hands in despair, throw in the towel, and every other phrase that has to do with defeat.

Even in recovery, my perfectionist tendencies hold me back.

I have to remind myself how much progress I have made in just one year’s time.  I found an old journal entry from last year:

These have been bad days. Since Saturday night, I’ve lost control.  I hopelessly strayed from my plan and lost sight of all things right.  I thought I might be saved on Sunday, but I was not.  I will start over tomorrow.  I still can’t do it today.  I pretend everything’s alright, but it’s not.  I want to kill this person talking inside of me right now.  Do I have to be so rigid with my standards? If I don’t though, this is what happens! I need a strict eating and praying schedule so that I can pay for all of my mistakes I’ve made since Saturday.

I think the above entry was written on a Thursday.  I don’t know exactly what I was talking about.  But I am going to guess that my “mistakes” were eating things that weren’t on my “diet” plan.

Here is another old entry from last year:

Today is Monday and it’s 9:00 a.m. and I didn’t go to work.  I am ignoring all responsibility and pretending like it’s no big deal.  I am such a spoiled, lazy, ungrateful, despicable person.  How can I be so selfish?  What the heck is wrong with me?  I knew I wasn’t going to work today. I knew it on Friday. Maybe, I would have been okay, but I doubt it. I am a mess. I can’t live with myself. I continue to fail and let myself down.

This old entry, I know for a fact, is about the expectations I put on myself.  I didn't realize it at the time, but I was struggling with severe depression and anxiety.  And I was 100% blaming myself for it.

I couldn’t take care of myself.  I had daily breakdowns.  And I had constant suicidal thoughts.  Yet, I still thought it was my fault.  I still thought I had to pick myself up by my own boot straps.

Reading through my old journal was a painfully tough experience.  In the past, I used journaling as an outlet when I thought I was going to explode.  So, reading my writings is like going back into that diseased and tormented mind.  It is hard to read, but it is good because I now realize how far I’ve come.

I am doing so much better than I was last year…Wow…So so so much better.

If I am being impatient with myself, I have to remember to be kind to myself.

If I feel like I am not better it’s because I expect to be better.  It really all comes down to “expectations”.  Throw the expectations out the window and I am cured!  I'm a healthy, content, stay-at-home wife.  If I didn’t have any more expectations of myself, than I would be fine.

I don’t want to go back to the way I was.   I really don’t want to go back to the way I was.

This is what I don’t want to go back to:

I am afraid of the road I am on.  I am afraid I am going to kill myself.  Sometimes it seems so rational that I kill myself.  When I am at the really low points, I can’t think straight.  I don’t know what to do now, and I don’t know what to do next.  Nothing will change because I can’t change anything on my own.

I believe with all my heart, I survived so I could tell my story.  If there was no hope, then I would not be here today.  I am here to tell you that there is hope – there is always hope!

Everyone’s journey is different.  Things that worked for me might not work for you.

But the bottom line is: ASK FOR HELP.  And remember, it is OK to ask for help.

No matter what, ask for help.

You are never stuck.

There is always someone willing to help.

Keep asking, keep trying.

You deserve it!

No matter how undeserving you “feel”, you still deserve to get better!

Even thought it is not yet Mental Health Awareness Week, I think it is important to address your mental health every day.  Christine Saah of "Made in His Image" Blog wrote that "the silence is killing the world, literally."  Mental Health issues are taboo in our society.  I thought that if I want to help break the silence, I might as well start here.

No one wants to talk about suicide, eating disorders, anxiety, or depression.  However, since 2009, suicide is now the leading cause of death in the United States.

If you want to break the silence with me, I will pray for you.  I am always praying for you.

Repeat after me, “Because of the Grace of God, I am alive and well”.  You can do it, I believe in you.

{Top Photo: The Sorrowful Mother, painted copy by Mary Borchers...I don't know who did the original}


  1. I read your blog and it breaks my heart that you've suffered so much. I do understand a great deal about dealing with emotional chaos and trying to find some clarity and direction in life. I think your honesty and your ability to open up is very inspirational for me. I also think writing it down really help with the healing process. Keep writing and I will keep reading.


    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. I am so glad that you like my blog and find it inspiring. It helps me to know that I can help other people by sharing my story. I will keep writing! Thank you!