Friday, May 10, 2013


{Sorry to disappoint you, but there is no painting of the day today,
and this is not the brilliant post I talked about yesterday.}
I feel like I have a major split personality today.  The negative thoughts are winning the match up right now.

If I said, Sméagol, would you know who I was talking about?

Cue the spooky music:

I think I might go for a jog today.
“Yeah, you should go for a run because you ate a lot yesterday.”
I didn’t eat that much, did I?
You are going to stop eating now.”
Wait, I don’t think I want to do that.
“Why?  You’ve eaten enough this week.”
I don’t know why right this second.  But, remember, I decided not to do that anymore.
“You are unhappy.  You know you will be happier if you go a day with an empty stomach.  Trust me.”
But, I…
“You will feel a sense of accomplishment if you use power and control over your body and reject food today.”
True, I haven’t done much today.  And I am pretty down.  Maybe, I’ll just skip lunch…
“You can’t handle being the size you are.  Your body is repulsive.  You will never love yourself or be loved by anyone else unless you are thin.”
Yes, yes, I know.  OK.

It gives me the shivers to write this down and publish it, even if only five people, including me, read this post.

I am not making this up.  This is an honest to goodness conversations that goes on in my mind on a daily basis.  I have to constantly, repeatedly, and diligently fight the evil voice inside my head.

It is the demon of self-hate.

Have you ever seen “The Lord of the Rings” movies?  Do you know the character Sméagol or Gollum that I was talking about before?

Out of all the characters in the movie, I can most closely relate to him.

Scary, I know…
If you have been living under a rock for the past 12 years and haven’t seen any of the movies or haven’t a clue what I am talking about – In short, Sméagol is a character that is possessed by an evil force that lives in his mind, talks to him, and reasons with him about important life decisions.

The difference between Sméagol and Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde is that Sméagol's different personalities exist simultaneously.  In schizophrenia, each individual personality doesn’t know that the other one exists.

It’s kind of like the whole cartoon angel and demon on the shoulder type of deal.

Well, personally, I feel like Sméagol because there is this voice in my head constantly tempting me to give up logic and return to my eating disorder behaviors.

You see, eating disorders are very much like addictions.  Many people who have dealt with eating disorders would say the same thing.  It is either a type of food/control addiction or lack of food addiction.

If I give in to those negative eating disorder thoughts a little bit, they become demands.  And if I give into the demands, they become actions.  And if I continue with these eating disorder actions, they become uncontrolled habits.

I could be totally projecting this analysis onto “The Lord of the Rings” but I think that any person struggling with an addiction can relate to Sméagol.  I am not a J.R.Tolkien expert by any means.  And I know so many more people, especially those I went to college with (ahem…Ave shout out), who studied his writings more than I did.  So, I am hesitant to even make this single amateur assumption.

OK, enough disclaiming for now…

Relating myself to Sméagol actually helps me reject those initial thoughts as they first creep up in my mind.  Sméagol is an ugly creature and his end is not so good, to say the least.  Do I want to let my addiction win and end up like him?  Or can I beat it, like Frodo, with the help of my friends and loved ones?

Throughout the movie, you can see that Sméagol has certain triggers that set off the evil thoughts: whether it is broken trust, aloneness, or believing the lies of the evil one.
He made the most progress when he had Frodo for a friend.

I can’t help but relate this to real life.  Can one successfully beat an addiction with the help of a trusted friend?

I know at least one friend who is more powerful than the demon of self-hate and more powerful than my addiction.


I also know everyone is rooting for me here at H.A.N.L.  Thank you for being a part of my recovery and helping me to beat my harmful addictions.

Have a very nourishing weekend!  I’ll see you again on Monday.


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  2. ohh sigh. i feel your torture. i know those thoughts, how they leave little space for any other thoughts. i don't know how long it's been exactly since i haven't thought like that incessantly throughout the day... but i can tell you change happens. those thoughts and behaviours aren't "like" an addiction, they ARE an addiction! yoga has been very helpful to me, gives a beautiful use to the body than just being a food machine or object to be judged or evaluated.. instead becoming a vehicle for pleasant sensation that is purely ones own..

    1. Thank you for your comment! You are so right that the torturous thoughts leave little room for other thoughts. I hate that so much! I feel like I am wasting so much time with insignificant things. It is a struggle. But it's not for nothing. So much good can come out of suffering. I am glad that you found something to help you bear the load. I like what you said about seeing your body not as a machine. We are so much more than just our bodies. Thank you for sharing!