Monday, June 26, 2017

God's plan is infinitely greater than mine

Yesterday was Sunday. I try to follow the mantra, "Lots of God, Lots of Family, and Lots of Rest", a quote that I stole from this great book about the vocation of motherhood called, "A Mother's Rule of Life: How to bring order to your home and peace to your soul" by Holly Pierlot.

Anyway, both boys took an awesomely epic the same time. This never happens. I caught a quick nap myself and then just kind of chilled out doing I can't remember what. As the minutes went by, I got more and more anxious. I started pacing. What the heck was going on? My heart rate skyrocketed, and I started breathing heavily. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I didn't know what was wrong. There was no logical explanation. I thought I'd be refreshed, but instead, I felt awful.

The trouble was that, usually, I have a plan. And when I don't have a plan, I feel "shoulds" and "oughts" and "should haves". Yesterday, I unexpectedly had 2 1/2 hours of "free time". As this rare opportunity grew, I felt more and more guilty that I hadn't used my time wisely........or what I thought was "wisely".  All the things I could have done piled up inside my head until I was about to explode.

As much as I try to make Sunday God's day, I couldn't just let go 100% and be content doing nothing, resting as God did on the last day of the week.

There is so much I feel like I have to do. There is so much I'd like to do.

But all those things on my lists, yes lists, are not top priority.

I have not fully embraced my vocation as a mother. I still try to fit in all this other stuff to make myself happy so that I can just get through my primary job, being a mom.

God called me to this vocation of motherhood because, in His great wisdom, He knows it's my path to Heaven and ultimate happiness. I may think I have the best plan, but God's plan is infinitely greater.

I'll try to let go of my rules and start following God's rule for my life.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

I'll try this for now, but I'm not I'm not getting my hopes up

I think I may have figured out a somewhat suitable solution for my "kids get the screamies and I just want coffee" problem.

I run myself into the ground before asking for help. I try to do everything myself......because that's what I feel like I should be doing. I'm not working, so I need to save money and not get babysitters. At least, that is what guilt is telling me.

Honestly, to maintain good mental health, I need to schedule times throughout the week to take breaks. Whether that's setting up a babysitter in advance, or talking with my husband about a good time for him to watch the kids, or whatever, I think I could use an hour away a couple days a week. Any more than two hours and I run out of things to do, or I feel like I'm falling behind on all the tasks two young boys require you to do.

The thing is though, I'll do this "take care of me" priority for like a week, if even that. Then, things come up and it's the first to go out the window. I'm the first to sacrifice myself when times get tough. I know I am going to do it again and again. Because I'd die for my family. I love them.

But they are going to kill me if I don't take care of myself.

Monday, June 12, 2017

Kids get the "screamies" and I want a coffee break

A new day, a fresh day with no mistakes in it....yet. I think Annie of Green Gables might have said something along those lines. I don't feel like looking it up. Lazy, I guess. I am already feeling defeated before the day even really starts. Hmmmmm.....

Before, like in college and before kids, I used the beginning of a new day as a natural reset button. It feels logical to start over on a new day. The sun will come out tomorrow kind of thing. In the past, if I was having a really difficult time, I would check out for the day, isolate myself, read in my bed, watch TV, cancel all activities, etc. Not exact 100% healthy, but it kept me going.

I definitely can't do that now. As much as I'd like to check out until I can start again tomorrow, I have two itsy bitsy kids who need me to stay checked in.

SO how can I click the "reset button" during the day? I am really limited in what I can do.

I would LIKE to go for a run. Make a cup of coffee and read on the porch. Go to church and pray a rosary. Take a 15 minute nap. But I can't do those things right now, because what are these kiddos going to do? But, by the time I can coordinate a last minute babysitter, if I can do it (which has more to do with me admitting I need help), it seems to turn out more stressful then if I would have just let it go. Missed nap times, missed meals, missed poopy diapers resulting in diaper rashes, them just needing more mommy attention and getting the "screamies"...

I feel so guilty about using television. I feel like I need to figure out another way to "save the day". This week, I'm like, "NO MORE TV". But it's Monday morning at 7:00am and I've already caved.

What do you do? How do you reset in the middle (or beginning) of the day?