I look back on all the horror of my eating disorder and I feel like I am where I am today by nothing short of a miracle.
How is it possible that I recovered from such a distorted relationship with food and a horrendously negative body image? I am at a loss to detail the journey. I'm sure I'll still try though.
What were the specific steps I took for healing? I don't know. I wish I could spell it out day by day to help others who are also suffering with this awful disease. I don't know how to help though.
All I know is that five years ago, I wanted to die.
All I know is that I wanted to kill myself.........but I couldn't.
The main thing, the one and only thing, that stopped me from "going through with it" was, "I am too fat to be found dead."
..........I am too fat to be found dead? What. the. hell.
Seriously. This is the sad truth. The only thing that kept me from killing myself was the FEAR of the judgement of my "fat, dead body".
That is how much I hated my body. That is how much I hated myself because of my body. That is how much I was suffering.
Ironically, the eating disorder was simultaneously killing me AND keeping me alive...it was nothing short of torture. Every single day was sheer torture.
My severely depressed brain would only take comfort in my vow to postpone killing myself until I was as skinny as I thought I should be.
Why am I so passionate about having a healthy relationship with food?
Why do I shudder and cringe when I hear people talk about "good food/bad food", losing weight, and diets?
Why do Fitbits and "getting your steps in" make me want to scream?
This perspective is a result of the road I've been traveling since high school. This is my perspective based on my experiences. I know not everyone will understand my passionate hate for Fitbits.
Because of my experiences, I general seclude myself from the outside, social world. I actually feel like it's my duty to guard my soul and stay away from certain situations, at this point in my life. I've been give this miraculously wonderful gift of eating disorder healing, a gift I am so unworthy of receiving, and I don't want to throw it away. Our society has absolutely no understanding of this gift and they will stop at nothing to rip me to shreds.
I don't follow current events. I don't have a smart phone. I don't have TV stations, so I don't have to watch commercials. I don't go on the Internet without a specific, intentional purpose. I don't have other social media besides a selective Instagram account, and I guess this blog counts too. And I don't go clothes shopping.
Don't worry, I do have indoor plumbing, a dishwasher, and a microwave.
However, I cannot watch a single college football game without encountering at least a dozen references and insinuations to the "Only Skinny is Sexy" agenda. Think I'm overeating? Don't believe me? We are desensitized by the constant bombardment of the degradation of the human person. I am blown away in disgust at what I see on TV.
I have to do my clothes shopping online because every single retail clothing store makes me feel like "I am too big to be beautiful".
The world wants me to believe I am not good enough to be loved.
God wants me to rest in His constant, unwavering, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
Are you placing conditions on who can love you and how they can love you? Think I'm overreacting? Surely things cannot be THAT bad?
We only get one life, one chance, one soul to serve the ONE GOD.