Friday, March 16, 2018

Eating Disorder Slavery

You might get up in the morning, and, as you get out of bed, you put a heavy chain around your shoulders. (You might have slept with it on...if you slept at all.) As you get dressed, you put on another chain. As you looking in the mirror, you put on a few more chains. All throughout the day, you carry more and more "weight". Like when you look at your breakfast options, when you analyze how someone talks to you, when you listen to all those negative voices inside your head saying "you are ugly, you are worthless, you are alone."

With each agonizing step, you are giving away more and more of your freedom.

Self-induced slavery. Voluntary slavery. Nothing is holding you hostage........besides yourself. But who is your master? Surely not the loving, compassionate, merciful God. Is it the devil or sin then? The devil doesn't even have the power to treat you this harshly. He is pleased to let you do your own thing, because you are more destructive than him. No, your master is your body.

All for the sake of your body. Eat a certain way so that your body looks a certain way. Exercise, clothes, make-up, hair, skin. "The way you want your body to look" is the end-all-be-all.

Your idea of IMAGE is your master.

You do not have the power to overcome yourself. You are the one holding yourself in bondage, BUT you do not have the key to unlock the door. You cannot save yourself.

Freedom. You don't even know what that feels like anymore. You shall carry this burden to the grave if you have to. The grave. What a welcome thought. The only way to escape this slavery.

Or is it?

The long road to recovery is worth it for no other reason than freedom. Can you imagine with me for just a second of being free of your eating disorder?

I pity you. My heart aches for you, because I know what it feels like to be in that slavery. 

You are worth it. You are beautiful just the way you are. You are NEVER alone. You deserve freedom. Jesus is begging for you to choose freedom.

Who are you? I do not know because you are suppressed and over-worked and too tired. How do I wake you? How can I release you from this awful slavery?

The answer is simple, but definitely NOT EASY:

Choose freedom.

When you wake up in the morning, before moving another inch, pray, "God, set me free from this eating disorder."

Ask for help. Get counseling. Take medicine. Slowly train your negative thoughts to be positive ones. Read self-help material. Surround yourself with people who are free. Don't go to the supermarket. Don't go on the internet. Don't watch TV. Don't go to the mall or shop for clothes. Love yourself because GOD loves you. Find that one person who will help you and keep you accountable. And the hardest step of all, let go of control.

Let go of control. Seems impossible, right?

Food is not the enemy. Staying in this eating disorder slavery means that you are more afraid of food than of dying. No, no, food is not the enemy. 

Imagine who you could be if you were free.

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Coffee-d Thoughts

Anxiety and depression are a part of life on earth. Even though one can be cured of anxiety and depression, he/she can never be completely immune from it or its effects.

Everyone goes though times of anxiety, stressful situations, fear and worry, money problems, etc. No matter how mentally "healthy" you are, you will still experience anxiety. "Life is pain, highness, and anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something!" to quote the classy Wesley of the classic movie Princess Bride.

In the same way, everyone goes through depressing times. Break-ups, losing a job, failed expectations, and so on.

To the degree at which it interferes with your life, determines whether you could be diagnosed with "Anxiety Disorder" or "Clinical Depression", for example.

But once you get help for these mental illnesses, dealing with the "normal" stress and discouragement in life is much MUCH more productive. This is where coping skills come in.

Some people don't get help for anxiety and depression because they think that's life....which it IS! But the difference is, when you have a mental illness, the depression and anxiety are always present or debilitating at the worst times.

It's very hard to realize you have a mental illness. Usually, your loved ones will let you know something is not right. HOPEFULLY, your family and friends can help you get through this life-threatening disease.

You are not a wimp if you get treatment for a mental illness. Sure everyone goes through depressing circumstances or stressful situations. But not everyone HAS anxiety and/or depression.

Listen to and trust your loved ones. Don't listen to the disease...it just wants you dead. We want you here for a long LONG time.

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Miraculous Eating Disorder Recovery


I look back on all the horror of my eating disorder and I feel like I am where I am today by nothing short of a miracle.

How is it possible that I recovered from such a distorted relationship with food and a horrendously negative body image? I am at a loss to detail the journey. I'm sure I'll still try though.

What were the specific steps I took for healing? I don't know. I wish I could spell it out day by day to help others who are also suffering with this awful disease. I don't know how to help though.

All I know is that five years ago, I wanted to die.

All I know is that I wanted to kill myself.........but I couldn't.

The main thing, the one and only thing, that stopped me from "going through with it" was, "I am too fat to be found dead."

..........I am too fat to be found dead? What. the. hell.

Seriously. This is the sad truth. The only thing that kept me from killing myself was the FEAR of the judgement of my "fat, dead body".

That is how much I hated my body. That is how much I hated myself because of my body. That is how much I was suffering.

Ironically, the eating disorder was simultaneously killing me AND keeping me alive...it was nothing short of torture. Every single day was sheer torture.

My severely depressed brain would only take comfort in my vow to postpone killing myself until I was as skinny as I thought I should be.

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Why am I so passionate about having a healthy relationship with food?

Why do I shudder and cringe when I hear people talk about "good food/bad food", losing weight, and diets?

Why do Fitbits and "getting your steps in" make me want to scream?

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This perspective is a result of the road I've been traveling since high school. This is my perspective based on my experiences. I know not everyone will understand my passionate hate for Fitbits.

Because of my experiences, I general seclude myself from the outside, social world. I actually feel like it's my duty to guard my soul and stay away from certain situations, at this point in my life. I've been give this miraculously wonderful gift of eating disorder healing, a gift I am so unworthy of receiving, and I don't want to throw it away. Our society has absolutely no understanding of this gift and they will stop at nothing to rip me to shreds.

I don't follow current events. I don't have a smart phone. I don't have TV stations, so I don't have to watch commercials. I don't go on the Internet without a specific, intentional purpose. I don't have other social media besides a selective Instagram account, and I guess this blog counts too. And I don't go clothes shopping.

Don't worry, I do have indoor plumbing, a dishwasher, and a microwave.

However, I cannot watch a single college football game without encountering at least a dozen references and insinuations to the "Only Skinny is Sexy" agenda. Think I'm overeating? Don't believe me?  We are desensitized by the constant bombardment of the degradation of the human person. I am blown away in disgust at what I see on TV.

I have to do my clothes shopping online because every single retail clothing store makes me feel like "I am too big to be beautiful".

The world wants me to believe I am not good enough to be loved.

God wants me to rest in His constant, unwavering, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

Are you placing conditions on who can love you and how they can love you? Think I'm overreacting? Surely things cannot be THAT bad?

We only get one life, one chance, one soul to serve the ONE GOD.