Tuesday, June 12, 2018

The First Chore is Getting Up

It's so hard for me to wake up in the morning. It's hard to sit up, get up, do anything, or think clearly for an hour.....or two.  Sometimes I get up before the kids, sometimes I don't. No matter how hard I try, the morning just won't get any easier.

And man, do I beat myself up for THAT.

My husband can pop out of bed and be ready to leave for work in less than 20 minutes.

I had this thought today that maybe I have a hard time getting up because I have to rebuild myself every day. My husband, on the other hand, is so confident in who he is, he is so strong and stable. His foundation is solid and his self is secure. He doesn't need to rebuild his house every morning, because, when he wakes up, it's already done. I kind of get the feeling he would say "duh. and?" to this statement.

When I wake up in the morning, I feel like a pile of rubble. Everything I had built the day before is wrecked. I am not stable, certain, or confident.

It's a reminder to me that I'm not as I should be. I'm not 100% "normal", if I can use that word. Again, I've been so hard on myself for not being able to wake up in the morning, but, really, I've been hard on myself for having depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder. I'm wondering why I'm not like everyone else, when I'm NOT like anyone else.

Each morning I have to rebuild my mental, emotional, and spiritual health, brick by brick, stone by stone, until I'm (hopefully) back to where I was yesterday.

I was thinking that all I had to do was get into the habit of waking up early, before the kids, and take some time to get ready for the day. When I used to work outside the home, I got up an hour or more before I had to leave. I really took my time preparing for the work day. It would be nice if I could do that now, I thought. I know not everyday will be perfect because kids are unpredictable, much to my dismay. I want to wake up before them, but I also do not want to get angry when they wake up early and "steal" my morning time away.

Back to the main thought...I think I wake up very slowly because I am still having to redo all the good work of recovery each and every day. It's kinda like that movie, 50 First Dates, when Adam Sandler has to redo all the work of his relationship with Drew Barrymore over and over each morning because of her short-term memory loss. That's how I wake up. I'm not screaming outwardly but I'm shaking on the inside.

There's a check list that I didn't realize I go through each morning. I'm playing back the "movie" of my recovery. I have to remind myself that I am beautiful, worthy, enough, happy, strong, capable, honest, trustworthy, a good friend, a good wife, a good mom, etc. I have to remind myself that I am not the sum of my feelings, but the sum of my actions. I have to remind myself of my mission and my purpose. I have to remind myself that I am a daughter of God and that He wants me to be in heaven with Him someday.

All that thinking takes time! No wonder I just need to do some hard-core staring out the window when I wake up.

Friday, March 16, 2018

Eating Disorder Slavery

You might get up in the morning, and, as you get out of bed, you put a heavy chain around your shoulders. (You might have slept with it on...if you slept at all.) As you get dressed, you put on another chain. As you looking in the mirror, you put on a few more chains. All throughout the day, you carry more and more "weight". Like when you look at your breakfast options, when you analyze how someone talks to you, when you listen to all those negative voices inside your head saying "you are ugly, you are worthless, you are alone."

With each agonizing step, you are giving away more and more of your freedom.

Self-induced slavery. Voluntary slavery. Nothing is holding you hostage........besides yourself. But who is your master? Surely not the loving, compassionate, merciful God. Is it the devil or sin then? The devil doesn't even have the power to treat you this harshly. He is pleased to let you do your own thing, because you are more destructive than him. No, your master is your body.

All for the sake of your body. Eat a certain way so that your body looks a certain way. Exercise, clothes, make-up, hair, skin. "The way you want your body to look" is the end-all-be-all.

Your idea of IMAGE is your master.

You do not have the power to overcome yourself. You are the one holding yourself in bondage, BUT you do not have the key to unlock the door. You cannot save yourself.

Freedom. You don't even know what that feels like anymore. You shall carry this burden to the grave if you have to. The grave. What a welcome thought. The only way to escape this slavery.

Or is it?

The long road to recovery is worth it for no other reason than freedom. Can you imagine with me for just a second of being free of your eating disorder?

I pity you. My heart aches for you, because I know what it feels like to be in that slavery. 

You are worth it. You are beautiful just the way you are. You are NEVER alone. You deserve freedom. Jesus is begging for you to choose freedom.

Who are you? I do not know because you are suppressed and over-worked and too tired. How do I wake you? How can I release you from this awful slavery?

The answer is simple, but definitely NOT EASY:

Choose freedom.

When you wake up in the morning, before moving another inch, pray, "God, set me free from this eating disorder."

Ask for help. Get counseling. Take medicine. Slowly train your negative thoughts to be positive ones. Read self-help material. Surround yourself with people who are free. Don't go to the supermarket. Don't go on the internet. Don't watch TV. Don't go to the mall or shop for clothes. Love yourself because GOD loves you. Find that one person who will help you and keep you accountable. And the hardest step of all, let go of control.

Let go of control. Seems impossible, right?

Food is not the enemy. Staying in this eating disorder slavery means that you are more afraid of food than of dying. No, no, food is not the enemy. 

Imagine who you could be if you were free.

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Coffee-d Thoughts

Anxiety and depression are a part of life on earth. Even though one can be cured of anxiety and depression, he/she can never be completely immune from it or its effects.

Everyone goes though times of anxiety, stressful situations, fear and worry, money problems, etc. No matter how mentally "healthy" you are, you will still experience anxiety. "Life is pain, highness, and anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something!" to quote the classy Wesley of the classic movie Princess Bride.

In the same way, everyone goes through depressing times. Break-ups, losing a job, failed expectations, and so on.

To the degree at which it interferes with your life, determines whether you could be diagnosed with "Anxiety Disorder" or "Clinical Depression", for example.

But once you get help for these mental illnesses, dealing with the "normal" stress and discouragement in life is much MUCH more productive. This is where coping skills come in.

Some people don't get help for anxiety and depression because they think that's life....which it IS! But the difference is, when you have a mental illness, the depression and anxiety are always present or debilitating at the worst times.

It's very hard to realize you have a mental illness. Usually, your loved ones will let you know something is not right. HOPEFULLY, your family and friends can help you get through this life-threatening disease.

You are not a wimp if you get treatment for a mental illness. Sure everyone goes through depressing circumstances or stressful situations. But not everyone HAS anxiety and/or depression.

Listen to and trust your loved ones. Don't listen to the disease...it just wants you dead. We want you here for a long LONG time.