My pants are too tight...

This morning, I put on my favorite pair of pants…and they were too tight.

Immediately, anxiety filled my mind.

It was like a sudden summer storm, blowing in from the north, bringing hail and strong winds.  The anxiety was threatening to level my house.  I wasn’t sure if my foundation was strong enough.

I couldn’t focus on anything else besides the fact that my pants felt too tight.  I mindlessly walked around trying to finish getting ready.  I started three or four tasks and never finished any of them.

I couldn't concentrate because my thoughts were occupied with other things.

I was figuring out how to lose some weight.  My brain defaulted to, “I will cut out sugar and grain.  I will exercise seven days a week for two hours.  I will do anything I can to avoid gaining more weight.”  My life is over, as I know it, if I can’t fit into my clothes anymore.

The anxiety grew and snowballed into more anxiety, even though I used some of my coping skills to try and stop it before it was too late.  I sat down and took some deep breaths.  I listened to some soothing classical music.  I wrote what I was thankful for down on a piece of paper.  I read from the Bible and prayed the rosary.

 

No matter what I did, the anxiety was there, and I couldn’t do anything to get my calm back.

Eventually, I had to cancel my plans.  For me, it was going to be a relatively busy day.  I had some commitments I wanted to fulfill.  However, I couldn’t push myself to do any of it.  From experience, I know when I am past the point of no return and it is better for me to just stay home.

After several hours, the anxiety is gone and I am left with a heavy weight of depressed feelings.  I am down because my anxiety kept me from doing what I wanted to do today.  And I am also down because I still feel fat.

Why do I feel this way?  Why is it so gosh darn important for me to be certain size?  How was I so blind-sided by this anxiety storm?  Why didn’t my coping skills work?

Before the panic attack set in, I can look back and see that my stomach was upset, and I felt stressed and unhappy.  My stomach doesn’t feel good because it is “that time of the month”.  I had a lot on my plate today - an extra long to-do list - causing me some extra stress.  And I am unhappy because of the underlying depression that is always there and my high self-standards that I make myself live up to.

For me, that is a triple threat –the “trifecta” for the perfect storm.  Physical pain, too much stress, and on the verge of tears…

OK, so now what?

(Drum roll, please!)

Introducing…

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: Retraining Your Thoughts

I have to change how I talk to myself.  I have to repeat true, uplifting statements over and over.

 

I am not perfect.  Not every day can be a perfect day.

It is OK if I have to cancel my plans and stay home.  The world will go on without me.
I am not a failure if I take some pain medication.  I am not weak for accepting the hurt.
It is not worth risking a relapse if I have to push myself to the breaking point.
Don’t compare myself to others.  Don’t compare my failures to other people’s accomplishments.
Even if I don’t do anything at all today, my life is still important – I am still valuable.

If you were expecting something of me today, I regret to say it will be put off until tomorrow.  As of now, I foresee a nap in my future.

Being realistic, I should eat a nourishing meal, take a short nap, and go for a 20 walk or jog.  I know those three accomplishments are the “trifecta” for a good mood.  If I can complete those things, that would be good for me.  If not, I will just try again tomorrow.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post to find out what happens!  Just kidding…I’ll be fine.  You take care of yourself now too.

{Photo 1: “Russia Storm” by Craig Borchers, Photo 2: “Cottage after the Rain Storm” Painting by Mary Borchers, Photo 3: “After the Storm” in Naples, Florida by Mary Borchers, Photo 4: “Painting of a Single Rose” by Mary Borchers}