Yesterday was Sunday. I try to follow the mantra, "Lots of God, Lots of Family, and Lots of Rest", a quote that I stole from this great book about the vocation of motherhood called, "A Mother's Rule of Life: How to bring order to your home and peace to your soul" by Holly Pierlot.
Anyway, both boys took an awesomely epic nap....at the same time. This never happens. I caught a quick nap myself and then just kind of chilled out doing I can't remember what. As the minutes went by, I got more and more anxious. I started pacing. What the heck was going on? My heart rate skyrocketed, and I started breathing heavily. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I didn't know what was wrong. There was no logical explanation. I thought I'd be refreshed, but instead, I felt awful.
The trouble was that, usually, I have a plan. And when I don't have a plan, I feel "shoulds" and "oughts" and "should haves". Yesterday, I unexpectedly had 2 1/2 hours of "free time". As this rare opportunity grew, I felt more and more guilty that I hadn't used my time wisely........or what I thought was "wisely". All the things I could have done piled up inside my head until I was about to explode.
As much as I try to make Sunday God's day, I couldn't just let go 100% and be content doing nothing, resting as God did on the last day of the week.
There is so much I feel like I have to do. There is so much I'd like to do.
But all those things on my lists, yes lists, are not top priority.
I have not fully embraced my vocation as a mother. I still try to fit in all this other stuff to make myself happy so that I can just get through my primary job, being a mom.
God called me to this vocation of motherhood because, in His great wisdom, He knows it's my path to Heaven and ultimate happiness. I may think I have the best plan, but God's plan is infinitely greater.
I'll try to let go of my rules and start following God's rule for my life.