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| {Photo published on web here} |
I have been taking care of myself, going to therapy, taking
my meds, meditating, and talking about my feelings. In my opinion, I am doing everything
right. Heck, even in the books of
professionals, I am taking steps in the right direction.
A prominent symptom of depression is severe lack of energy
and feeling tired all the time. It is not necessarily the want of motivation;
I think I would, for sure, be motivated if I didn’t want to sleep all the time…maybe…I
don’t know…maybe not... Anyway, this
symptom of fatigue is usually the last one to go away in the process of healing.
Just when I think I am gaining speed toward a slight resemblance of normalcy, I find I
am taking 14 steps backward. At least,
that is what it feels like.
The mornings have always been really difficult for me. There is something so incredibly daunting
about the start of new day. Each new day
I have to start over and build my self-esteem from scratch. I get no roll-over days. In the first moments of the morning, I have
extreme hopelessness s and deep despair.
I have to remind myself about what I believe in and why I am doing what
I am doing. And then, I play that track
on repeat.
There is no amount of healthy eating, exercise, coffee,
vitamin D, or energy boosting smoothies that will do the trick. I am sure they help a little. But for all you self-proclaimed doctors,
there is no “quick fix” or cure.
Every morning I have to rebuild my positive outlook, thought
for thought, block for block. Sometimes,
I can build a sturdy tower out of Legos that lock into each other and are
difficult to knock down. At those times,
I am really proud of my creations. Most
of the time, however, all I can muster is a crooked structure that kind of resembles
a tower but looks more like the game Jenga in the final moments before it
tumbles. A slight breeze or a soft bump
of the table and I come crumbling down.
99 out of 100 times, my tower falls over before I even get
out of bed. The whole day I am behind,
trying to pick up the pieces and rebuild with no luck.
At the end of the day, all I can be proud of is my
commitment to try again tomorrow.
I thought by now I would back at my full-time job, climbing
the ladder of success, and writing my book about “How to Recover from
Depression in Five Easy Steps”.
But at this point, I am not sure if I will ever fully
recover. I am not trying to be
dramatic. I am not trying to get
pity. I am just being honest. The point is, I realize now that it doesn’t really
matter if I do recover or not. I have to
accept my situation either way and take it just one day at a time. Just
one day at a time.
Below are some tricks that (are no guarantee, yet) seem to
have helped me in the mornings so far:
I take extra time to get ready before I have to go
somewhere.
I stick to a morning routine as much as possible.
I don’t book my schedule too full in one day.
I keep things flexible so that, if I have to, I can cancel
or reschedule at a moment’s notice.
If I am getting anxious about doing something, I get myself
ready to walk out the door, even if I am hours away from leaving. Not that I wait at the door for hours like a
puppy waiting for the school kids to get home.
I just prepare all the necessary things when I am feeling anxious. Then I do other things in the mean time. I am less likely to panic and back out at the
last minute if I practice this technique.
I will continue to practice the steps toward recovery. I will continue to follow the advice of what
will heal my brain. And I will continue
to pray for the strength and guidance when I am out of options. But most of all, I will continue to hold onto
the hope that God is going to take care of me no matter what happens.
Whether or not I receive healing from this illness, I know
it is God’s will either way. And all I
can do is pray and build my tower one
Lego at a time.
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