Saturday, February 2, 2013

My Full-Time Job

This past year, I have not had a real job, to use society’s terms.  My life has been completely occupied with recovery.  I guess you could say that my full-time job has been trying to "get healthy".  When people ask me, “What’s new?” or “What have you been doing lately?” I really just want to say, “I have been recovering from depression”.  I know that is not what people want to hear.  So, I end up saying a form of the word, “nothin”.  Sometimes, I throw in a joke or two along with my response.  I say something like, "Oh, you know, just being a stay-at-home wife".

During the day, my grand accomplishments consist of the following: getting out of bed, eating breakfast, and brushing my teeth.  Changing out of my sweatpants is a bonus but not a guarantee.  The same goes for deodorant.  If I actually left the house, that would be a really good day.

I wish with my whole heart that I could do more.  I wish with every fiber of my being that I could be proud of what I do.
I have been slowly trying to add responsibilities into my schedule.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Right now, the only way my life makes sense to me is if I think of the Cross.

I can unite my suffering with Jesus on the cross.  Suffering comes in many forms, not just physical.  Jesus must have endured all types of mental and emotional suffering while he was on this earth; for example, just think of the agony in the garden.  The mental and emotional suffering that I experience cannot even compare to the anguish He had in the garden of Gethsemane.  However, because He suffered, I can unite my agony to His agony.  And in doing so, amazing things can happen.

It’s humiliating not to have a job.  I admit that I am struggling with the idea.  On the outside, I seem perfectly capable of contributing to society.  It appears that there is no reason why I shouldn’t be working.  I know most of it is in my head, but I can feel the judgment from the working class every time I show my face during the day.

Because I feel this way, I realize that I am again a victim of our society's standards.  As a whole, we put way too much value on what we do.
When you meet someone new, one of the first questions you ask them is "So, what do you do?".

We have to remember that first and foremost, we have value because we are a human person created by God.  If we accomplish more or less, it doesn’t mean that we are more or less of a human person.
Our worth doesn’t come from us or what we do, it comes from God.  And there is nothing that we can do or that other people can do to us that can take our value away.


  1. I just found your blog and i want you to know you are not alone! I too am a Catholic woman battling depression...i can relate in so many ways to what you have written. Its amazing how many ppl will tell you to just `get out of bed and do something,' but my goodness I wish it was only that simple. For a long time, i thought i was being lazy, but deep down i knew that ive worked hard my whole life and it wasnt laziness. It took me 4 years of a downward spiral before I finally got professional help, and I feel there is actually light at the end of the tunnel. lease know that im praying for you, God bless!

  2. I am so glad you found my blog too! Thank you so much for your comment. It means so much to me to have companions in suffering. In some way, it helps so much to know that I am not alone. I will keep you in my prayers too! That is so good that you found professional help. God is Good! Thank you so much for your prayers. Lord knows I need them! I hope you have a blessed day today. ~Mary

  3. You definitely not alone. I, too, suffer from depression and anxiety. I recently watched a short video lecture presenting a unique spin on depression. It reassured me and gave me something new to think about. If you'd like to watch it, here's the URL:
    Many blessings to you :-)

    1. I am so sorry that you suffer from depression and anxiety. Does it help to have companionship in suffering? It helps me to know that others deals with the sames things I do. It seems to lessen the pain, in some ways. Many blessings to you too! Thank you for the video link. I'll definitely check it out!

    2. Yes, it helps a lot to know I'm not the only one suffering. Depression and anxiety can be sooooooo isolating. Feeling alone is no fun..... I downloaded all the "Anxiety Guru" and "Anxiety Slayer" podcasts, and I read the blogs at their websites. I find it really helps me to hear the actual voices of people who are not only compassionate but who also completely understand what I'm experiencing.