I have a white board calendar that I update each month. Appointments, Birthdays, Holidays, To-do lists, Bills due, Trash out on Thursday evenings, etc. For today, I did not write in Mother's Day. Not that I forgot about it, I just didn't want to.
This year, I have not felt like I've done a good job at all. I don't want to be acknowledged for all the things I am not proud of. Can't we skim past this Hallmark holiday just this once?
Before becoming a mom, I would have admitted that I was a somewhat virtuous person, kind, thoughtful, and patience, with no temper. Yet, in these past few years, I've discovered that I'm severely lacking in virtue. I have very little patience and a lot of anger when I haven't had a lot of sleep. I am also way more selfish than I would have thought.
Being a mom has pushed me way past my breaking point. And just when I think I have spent it all, I am asked to give a little more.
Like in "The Horse and His Boy", part of the Narnia series by C.S. Lewis, when the horse and his boy are being chased by a lion. The horse thought he was running his fastest, until the lion gained on him and he found he had more speed to give.
We don't realize what we are capable of until faced with adversity. We are our biggest obstacles. And we become complacent in times of peace and happiness. We grow greater and stronger when confronted with trials.
Looking back, I will admit that I am amazed at what I have done. But it is not an amazement of myself. I am in awe of how much God has helped me overcome myself. Kicking and screaming, He has had to drag me through this year. I did not want to do it. I still don't want to. I want to sleep for three days straight. Yet, I am eternally grateful that He pulled me along, despite my protests. I know He loves me because He could have just left me for the vultures.
Now that I realize that I am being carried on the shoulders of Christ, like a sheep and a shepherd, I am comforted. I don't want to do it without God's help anymore.
Carry me through the rest of my life, Lord. If my suffering goes away, will I still remember you, Lord? Don't take away my suffering if it means I will not be united to You.
I'm sure I won't be happy every day about sacrificing...but, at least for today, I am thankful.
Mary, I was so excited to see that you have gotten back to writing. I truly appreciate the sense of solidarity these recent posts have given me. The level of anger I am now capable of,now that I have kids, has brought me to my knees. I tried out and really benefited from an anti-depressant throughout last year--and probably need to get back on it but am unsure. I wonder often "Are these struggles just due to sleep-deprivation? Or being a terrible person? Or a result of PPD/A?" And I. don't. know. the answers to those questions.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, know that I am praying for you. Your sweet boys are so dang lucky to have you to call "mother."
My heart is going out to you my dear! I grappled with those questions myself for too too long. I finally came to the decision that I wasn't going to be able to sleep for ten hours a night for a looooong time. I feel like that's the amount I need not to be sleep deprived. And if I was a terrible person, then I'd take the medicine so I can be better for my children, so they don't have to suffer for my sins. I am very hard on myself as I'm sure you are too. I will probably deal with these questions the rest of my life, and you might too. But I am here for you! Don't ever hesitate to call, text, email, show up at my door at three in the morning! Honestly. I would do anything to help you. You are beautiful, generous, and selfless. You have no idea how much you are loved! I know you don't believe me. But we will never never give up on you. We will never never stop loving you! If the medicine helped you before, I say go back on it! Because, after I started taking Prozac again, and started feeling worlds better, I wished I hadn't waited so long!
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