Some weight fears are accompanying my daily thoughts. Am I getting too big? Will I get too big? Have I gained too much weight? Will I gain too much weight? What if the doctors and nurses tell me I’ve gain enough weight already?
Unfortunately, I did happen to find out what my current weight is. Every appointment, I try hard to not look when they weigh me at the
doctor’s office. But when I was leaving,
I was handed a paper with all my “stats”......including my weight. Now I can’t get that number out of my
head. It haunts me. My weight gain is nearing the “appropriate
pregnancy weight gain” amount. And that truly scares me.
Well, what really scares me is the doctors and the nurses. Just the thought of possibly being confronted about my
weight makes me want to dramatically change my eating habits. Recently, I’ve found myself questioning if I
should be eating this or that or if I should be exercising more. I’ve been getting more and more anxious
At my last pre-natal visit, I “measured a little big”. Now, it’s impossible for me to get that fact out of
my mind. I’m bigger than I should be.
My irrational eating disordered brain translates that to mean that I am
ugly, undesirable, and inferior.
Random strangers have made stupid comments like “You’re
about ready to pop, huh?” and “Not much longer now?” and "Any day now..."
Um, no, I still have a ways to go – I have three more months, but thanks
for making me feel like crap. In my
head, I want to tell them off, but I smile and nod. The charitable thing to do would be to pray
for them, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do”.
I know people mean well.
Even saying things like “You look good!” is intended as a compliment,
but I see it as an ultimatum. Obviously,
that person is talking about how I look, but the only thing I hear is that they
are noticing how I look. Now, I feel pressured
to always look good.
Some people are under the assumption that first-time moms
don’t get as big. I’m a tall person, I
wasn’t ever small to begin with. This comparing is another reason to get down
Slowly, these appearance/weight comments along with my fear
of doctors telling me not to gain anymore weight are chipping away at my
self-worth. It’s getting more and more difficult
to fight eating disorder temptations.
I am trying to embrace the weight gain and realize that it
is necessary for the development of my unborn child. I want to nourish this child and take care of
his or her needs. I want to relax and
not feel like I have to hold it in or hide it.
I want to let there be room in my belly for the baby to move around and
eventually turn head down.
But I’m fighting an uphill battle. And because of my past body image issues, I
can be easily shaken.
In my home, I am safe.
I can listen to soothing music and engage in relaxing activities. I surround myself with body-positive phrases
and beliefs. I don’t have internet or TV
to infiltrate my positive-sanctuary. But,
when I leave my home, I’m susceptible to people making stupid comments or
comparing and contrasting. I have to witness
other people body-bash themselves or people they know. People talk about weight-loss and “eating
healthy” and looking a certain way.
There are ads and commercials and a bombardment of straight-up negativity
in the world.
It makes me want to just stay at home all the time. So, if you notice me becoming a hermit, it’s
because I can’t take it anymore. Until,
I have a more stable body image, I cannot live in this culture.......
I know, I know…becoming agoraphobic is not a good solution
to my problems. I just don't know what to do yet.