Friday, August 29, 2014

Three months to go – Am I getting too big?

Some weight fears are accompanying my daily thoughts.  Am I getting too big?  Will I get too big?  Have I gained too much weight?  Will I gain too much weight?  What if the doctors and nurses tell me I’ve gain enough weight already?

Unfortunately, I did happen to find out what my current weight is.  Every appointment, I try hard to not look when they weigh me at the doctor’s office.  But when I was leaving, I was handed a paper with all my “stats”......including my weight.  Now I can’t get that number out of my head.  It haunts me.  My weight gain is nearing the “appropriate pregnancy weight gain” amount.  And that truly scares me.

Well, what really scares me is the doctors and the nurses.  Just the thought of possibly being confronted about my weight makes me want to dramatically change my eating habits.  Recently, I’ve found myself questioning if I should be eating this or that or if I should be exercising more.  I’ve been getting more and more anxious around food.

At my last pre-natal visit, I “measured a little big”.  Now, it’s impossible for me to get that fact out of my mind.  I’m bigger than I should be.  My irrational eating disordered brain translates that to mean that I am ugly, undesirable, and inferior.

Random strangers have made stupid comments like “You’re about ready to pop, huh?” and “Not much longer now?” and "Any day now..."  Um, no, I still have a ways to go – I have three more months, but thanks for making me feel like crap.  In my head, I want to tell them off, but I smile and nod.  The charitable thing to do would be to pray for them, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do”.

I know people mean well.  Even saying things like “You look good!” is intended as a compliment, but I see it as an ultimatum.  Obviously, that person is talking about how I look, but the only thing I hear is that they are noticing how I look.  Now, I feel pressured to always look good.

Some people are under the assumption that first-time moms don’t get as big.  I’m a tall person, I wasn’t ever small to begin with. This comparing is another reason to get down on myself.

Slowly, these appearance/weight comments along with my fear of doctors telling me not to gain anymore weight are chipping away at my self-worth.  It’s getting more and more difficult to fight eating disorder temptations.

I am trying to embrace the weight gain and realize that it is necessary for the development of my unborn child.  I want to nourish this child and take care of his or her needs.  I want to relax and not feel like I have to hold it in or hide it.  I want to let there be room in my belly for the baby to move around and eventually turn head down.

But I’m fighting an uphill battle.  And because of my past body image issues, I can be easily shaken.

In my home, I am safe.  I can listen to soothing music and engage in relaxing activities.  I surround myself with body-positive phrases and beliefs.  I don’t have internet or TV to infiltrate my positive-sanctuary.  But, when I leave my home, I’m susceptible to people making stupid comments or comparing and contrasting.  I have to witness other people body-bash themselves or people they know.  People talk about weight-loss and “eating healthy” and looking a certain way.  There are ads and commercials and a bombardment of straight-up negativity in the world.

It makes me want to just stay at home all the time.  So, if you notice me becoming a hermit, it’s because I can’t take it anymore.  Until, I have a more stable body image, I cannot live in this culture.......

I know, I know…becoming agoraphobic is not a good solution to my problems.  I just don't know what to do yet.


  1. Mary, praying for you friend!! I am so excited for you and Craig. Be patient with yourself. It's so difficult to be patient with our shortcomings and struggles. The older I get, the more I realize that it's really a lifelong process. We are in this valley of tears for the long run! But thankfully, they can be healing tears - and our sufferings, part of our redemption. This is a great comfort. No cry is in vain! HUGS!!

    1. Thank you, Maria :) You are is a lifelong struggle. It is good to be reminded that every suffering has a purpose. :)

  2. I want to give you a hug! Just remember that the victory is not in doing everything right and doing it easily, it's doing what you know you should do even when you feel terrible, even when your mind is telling you things about yourself that are mean and untrue. Also, at least for me, the mental voices that say the worst things to us will have us believe that the way things are are not only bad, they are permanent. In reality, it's not that bad at all, we are all different (no medical "average" fits any individual), and we are always changing - our bodies, our minds, our growing strength. Good for you for all the intentional work you're doing to bring your baby healthily into the world! - laura

    1. Thank you so much for your comment! You are so kind. Thank you for saying those words. I really needed to hear that! You are right on. I loved that you said those "bad" voices try to trick you into thinking your situation is permanent. So often I fail to see the end but get stuck in thinking that I'm never going to feel good again. It is good to be reminded that things will get better. Thank you again for your comment. I want to print it out and put it on my fridge...I think I just might! ;)