This too shall pass…

For as good as I was feeling in the last post, this one is equally opposite...

I’ve now reached that wonderful pregnancy stage where my thighs rub together when I walk.  It irritates the skin and makes it uncomfortable, to say the least.  I know it’s nothing major, but this experience is challenging my ability to keep my hormonal emotions under control.  In short, I can’t stand it.  When I take walks, it makes me so mad that I want to break things, throw things as hard as I can, or smash something into the wall.  It even makes want to hurt myself.  I get so irritated that I could rip off my skin.

Eventually the irrational anger turns into sadness.  My anger makes me so sad that I could just cry and cry.  In fact, if I am alone, I do cry a lot.  It’s a constant reminder to me that my body is growing and it’s not going to stop anytime soon; I’m only going to get bigger and my clothes smaller.

I want to walk to get exercise.  Part of me feels like I have to walk because I can’t do any other form of exercise right now.  And, I feel like I have to exercise.  What would happen if I didn’t exercise?  I am too afraid to find out.

I already don’t exercise as much as I want to.  I miss running – the repetitive, rhythmic workout, turning-over until I’m exhausted.  It is as much of a stress reliever as anything.

Having my thighs rub together is just one thing that can make me irrationally upset.  These days, it seems as if the littlest things shake my peace and calm.

Part of the emotion is from pregnancy hormones.  But, I know part of the problem is lingering eating disorder thoughts.  I am having a difficult time with my changing body.  I am having a difficult time giving up controlling what I look like.

Having a baby requires you to give up control of a lot things.  The way I look, a clean house, alone time, uninterrupted sleep are just a few examples.

Sometimes, I feel really guilty because I don’t want to be pregnant anymore.  I question myself and wonder why I wished for this and prayed so hard to be able to have a baby.

I feel like there’s no way I can handle raising a child.  I have a hard enough time trying to take care of myself as it is.  I feel extremely inadequate and undeserving.

The only thing I can do to get through these tough feelings is to tell myself that “It will pass”.  These miserable feelings will go away and be replaced with better, happier ones in the future.  Though, I only half-believe it.  I say “it will pass” in hopes that it will pass.

But will it?  Will it go away?  I don’t really know for sure.  I feel like I have no control over these feelings.

However, reminding myself that I will feel better soon helps me living in the moment, one day at a time.  Just do what I can do today and think about tomorrow when tomorrow gets here.  Just because I feel crappy today doesn’t mean I’ll feel the same tomorrow.

Something else that I find helpful is remembering this article I read a while back.  My friend introduced me to this blog and I really get a lot out of everything I read from it – I highly recommend it.  This one post in particular has stuck with me.  It’s called “Rethinking the Physical Pain of Parenting”.

Even though I’m not in the troughs of parenting, the message is still very relevant to anyone who is trying to live a life of mortification (not in the sense of embarrassment, but in the sense of dying to oneself so that Christ can live).

This emotional suffering that I am experiencing right now is part of the sacrifices of being a mom.  This is certainly not the last time I am going to suffer, and not the last time I don’t feel up for the task.  Right now, my imperfect body shape, my limited ability to exercise, and my inability to sleep comfortably are all sacrifices that I’m making for this child inside of me.  I can either learn to embrace this suffering as a beautiful way to live out my vocation, or I can be miserable because I’ll never get my way again.

In these times of trial, I need to remember that I can also offer it up.  I often think of offering things up when I am in physical pain, like when I have a headache or whatever.  But I forget that I can also offer up difficult emotions, like when I am down about how I look, or when I am irritated with everything around me.

God is allowing me to go through this emotional turmoil because it is helping my sanctification.  Remembering that this type of suffering also has a purpose can help me cope with it and not fall into despair.