For as good as I was feeling in the last post, this one is equally opposite...
I’ve now reached that wonderful pregnancy stage where my
thighs rub together when I walk. It
irritates the skin and makes it uncomfortable, to say the least. I know it’s nothing major, but this
experience is challenging my ability to keep my hormonal emotions under
control. In short, I can’t stand
it. When I take walks, it makes me so
mad that I want to break things, throw things as hard as I can, or smash
something into the wall. It even makes
want to hurt myself. I get so irritated
that I could rip off my skin.
Eventually the irrational anger turns into sadness. My anger makes me so sad that I could just
cry and cry. In fact, if I am alone, I
do cry a lot. It’s a constant reminder
to me that my body is growing and it’s not going to stop anytime soon; I’m only
going to get bigger and my clothes smaller.
I want to walk to get exercise. Part of me feels like I have to walk because I can’t do any other form of exercise right
now. And, I feel like I have to exercise. What would happen if I didn’t exercise? I am too afraid to find out.
I already don’t exercise as much as I want to. I miss running – the repetitive, rhythmic
workout, turning-over until I’m exhausted. It
is as much of a stress reliever as anything.
Having my thighs rub together is just one thing that can
make me irrationally upset. These days, it seems as
if the littlest things shake my peace and calm.
Part of the emotion is from pregnancy hormones. But, I know part of the problem is lingering
eating disorder thoughts. I am having a
difficult time with my changing body. I
am having a difficult time giving up controlling
what I look like.
Having a baby requires you to give up control of a lot
things. The way I look, a clean house,
alone time, uninterrupted sleep are just a few examples.
Sometimes, I feel really guilty because I don’t want to be pregnant
anymore. I question myself and wonder
why I wished for this and prayed so hard to be able to have a baby.
I feel like there’s no way I can handle raising a
child. I have a hard enough time trying
to take care of myself as it is. I feel
extremely inadequate and undeserving.
The only thing I can do to get through these tough feelings
is to tell myself that “It will pass”. These miserable feelings will go away and be
replaced with better, happier ones in the future. Though, I only half-believe it. I say “it will pass” in hopes that it will pass.
But will it? Will it
go away? I don’t really know for
sure. I feel like I have no control over
However, reminding myself that I will feel better soon helps
me living in the moment, one day at a time.
Just do what I can do today and think about tomorrow when tomorrow gets
here. Just because I feel crappy today
doesn’t mean I’ll feel the same tomorrow.
Something else that I find helpful is remembering this article
I read a while back. My friend
introduced me to this blog and I really get a lot out of everything I read from
it – I highly recommend it. This one
post in particular has stuck with me. It’s called “Rethinking the Physical Pain of Parenting”.
Even though I’m not in the troughs of parenting, the message
is still very relevant to anyone who is trying to live a life of mortification
(not in the sense of embarrassment, but in the sense of dying to oneself so
that Christ can live).
This emotional suffering that I am experiencing right now is
part of the sacrifices of being a mom.
This is certainly not the last time I am going to suffer, and not the
last time I don’t feel up for the task.
Right now, my imperfect body shape, my limited ability to exercise, and
my inability to sleep comfortably are all sacrifices that I’m making for this
child inside of me. I can either learn
to embrace this suffering as a beautiful way to live out my vocation, or I can
be miserable because I’ll never get my way again.
In these times of trial, I need to remember that I can also offer
it up. I often think of offering things
up when I am in physical pain, like when I have a headache or whatever. But I forget that I can also offer up
difficult emotions, like when I am down about how I look, or when I am
irritated with everything around me.
God is allowing me to go through this emotional turmoil because
it is helping my sanctification.
Remembering that this type of suffering also has a purpose can help me
cope with it and not fall into despair.