Deep Rooted Fears

{Another Lovely Photo taken by Craig}

I regret to say that I am tempted to go back to my old ways.

I am starting to believe the lies, once again, that my old habits will make me happy.

I am starting to forget how terrible I felt just last summer.  I am forgetting the bad, because things have been really good.  Was it really that bad anyway?  What if I give in just a little?  What harm can that do?

I want to go on a little diet...just a little one.

 

Thoughts of shorts, tank tops, swim suits, and sandals cause me to despise my body.

For months I have been cursing winter and wishing for spring.  I was really looking forward to warm weather, sunshine, gardening, walks, flowers, and all those beautiful things.  However, I failed to think about the clothing change.

Just recently, I stopped in my tracks because I thought about summer clothes.  Thinking about summer clothes got me thinking about shorts which caused me to think about my legs which made me think about flab and concluded with me pondering about which type of diet I should try.  How’s that for a run-on sentence!  Welcome to my thoughts…

I know I have gained weight since I’ve been recovering from my eating disorder.  I stay away from scales, so I don’t know how much.  But I can tell that my pants are fitting a little tighter.  I know to learn to love yourself for who you are is a work in progress, yet I still do not love myself for the way I am right now.  And I still absolutely hate looking at myself in the mirror.  I am not used to being this size and I am uncomfortable not being on a diet.

It will be challenging to make the seasonal transition this year.  (SCCA – Seasonal Clothing ChangeAnxiety – sorry, it’s kind of an inside joke Click the link to read more about naming your anxieties)

My main worry is what other people will think.  I know that I have put on a few pounds and I can’t help but be keenly aware of the changes in my body.  I am trying to be OK with it.  If I am noticing a big change, I am sure other people will notice a little, maybe.

Or will they?

If my friends don’t tell me I look good, then they must be thinking that I look bad, right?

Being fat is one of my worst fears.

I think I am more afraid of gaining weight than I am afraid of dying.

My guess is that I am not the only one that has this fear.

So, how does one overcome a fear, any type of fear?

To overcome a fear of heights, I think you must start out slowly but gradually test your limits.  In order to get comfortable with heights, you have to practice being up high.  The more positive experiences you have at great heights the easier it will be to conquer your fear.

To overcome the fear of gaining weight, what do you have to do?  Do you have to slowly gain weight and practice being comfortable in your own skin?  I don’t think that anyone should gain or lose weight intentionally.

 

What I do think is important is practicing being comfortable with yourself the way you are.  The more positive experiences you have and the more you feel loved for being the size you are, the easier it will be to conquer your fear of gaining weight.

So, if you do gain weight, how do you keep it a positive experience?  Well, for starters, you must never look at another commercial, TV show, magazine, model, product advertisement, billboard, anything airbrushed…”whew!”  You pretty much have to live under a rock.  Then, you must witness people of all shapes and sizes being loved and respected for who they are and how they look.  I’ll say it again, “whew!”

Fat hate is the only acceptable form of prejudice left in our world.  (Stay tuned for a future post about fat prejudice.)

So, to overcome the fear of being fat you have to live as a hermit and single-handedly change the culture to accept people of all shapes and sizes.

Since that task is way too overwhelming, here are three more practical things you can do:

1.     Buy clothes that fit the size you currently are.  Do not buy clothes that you want to fit into someday.  Do not hold onto clothes that you once fit into and might fit back into someday.  And do NOT use that pair of skinny jeans as your motivation for losing weight.

2.     Move your body.  Practice forms of exercise that you enjoy.  Do not exercise to punish yourself.

3.     Make a Dream List achieve some of your goals.  Do NOT put your life on holduntil you are the perfect size.

Do YOU have any more ideas of how to overcome the fear of gaining weight?  I am still tempted to give in to my own fears even though I have these tools.

 

Come back tomorrow to read Part 2!