Am I cheating God by taking Prozac?

Life is supposed to be hard...............right?

I was living in despair for such a long time that I really don't know what life is suppose to feel like. I don't remember.

Am I allowed to be happy?

Because of or in spite of my Catholic faith, I can sometimes get all tangled up in thought of what is right and what is wrong. I can get turned around inside my brain and think my way into some bizarre notions. So.....life is hard, bad things happen, work, study, work, mental suffering, physical suffering, natural disasters, tragic death, work, sickness, work, work, work....suffering is a part of daily life. Bad or worse, it's always present. These things happen so often that I've just come to accept them as normal.

Sure, I know Coldplay told us that "nobody said it was easy". But did God tell us it has to be ridiculously, wicked hard?

We wandered back out to the desert, with Moses and the sons of Israel. We went out to get something, got lost, spend so much time away that, even when we found the door back in, we could not remember if we were allow back in. So we lingered by the entrance, thirsting, starving, dying. We were wandering around for so long that we forgot that God already brought us into the Promised Land.

I believe, along with the tradition of the Church, that God allows evil things to happen only so that He can make a greater good come from it. In that way, suffering can help us get closer to Heaven if we cooperate with grace.

I struggled mightily when I had depression. Wow, life was Hell. Am I supposed to deal with hell on earth in order to get to Heaven? Is that the only way?

I used to think that.

Before I started healing, I thought that I had to "offer up" my suffering. I thought I had to embrace it, "embrace my cross", as Jesus did. "Am I running away?" I often feared. Am I taking away my "path to holiness" by mitigating my suffering by taking an anti-depressant? I thought it was my burden to carry until the bitter end.

While suffering from depression, I was on the path to killing myself. The suffering was pulling me farther away from God. No matter how hard I tried or how many prayers I prayed, I wasn't able to grow closer to God through the pain.

But since getting help for depression, going to counseling, and taking medication, I am thriving in my faith. Grace is overflowing from my life. I am waking up early to pray and read the Bible. (The Bible, by the way, is coming alive! I used to go to bed looking forward to my cup of coffee in the morning. Now, I look forward to walking with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.)

I know there are Saints who have sought out suffering or kept their suffering to themselves in order to offer it up in union with the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. The hair shirts, the fasting, the torture, etc. However, they did none of it in spite of God, instead they did it to get closer to God. God blessed their efforts and gave them the graces to get through it. The Saints succeeded because God was with them, they depended on Him for everything, owing nothing to their personal efforts.

The fruit of my life before getting help for depression was death. The fruit of my life now is actual life. And I'm not talking about my physical body.

My family is doing great. My boys are a joy. They get to play with their mom all day. They are learning and growing and, most every day, ---happily living life. My marriage is thriving. I am able to show love and receive love. Friendship and family abound. I am surrounded by LIFE.

How can all these good thing reflect a wrong choice? Am I cheat by taking an anti-depressant? No.

I am not shrinking from suffering. Daily life is still filled with plenty of pain and sacrifice. But I have given it all over to God. The things that I cannot do, He does with LOVE. It is no longer my burden to carry alone. It is God carrying me through the burden.