Saturday, May 10, 2014

What if I have an E.D. relapse while pregnant?

I know I’m growing and gaining weight.  Maybe no one else can tell yet, but my pants don’t fit, my bras don’t fit, and I can see a bump.

What if I gain “too much weight” according to the charts they have on their clipboards in the doctor’s office?  What will they tell me?  What I really don’t what to happen is a conversation with a doctor or nurse about how I’m gaining too much weight and I should watch what I eat and get more exercise.  Those words could send me flying back to an eating disorder.

And then what if I do have a total relapse?  Now I’m not just responsible for myself – I’m responsible for this other human being growing inside of me.  If I have a relapse, then my actions could potentially kill the baby.  If my mind would be thwarted back into that twisted eating disorder world, would I even care what happened?

Before I freak out too much, realistically, the baby will probably help me if I’m ever tempted to self-destruct.  It’s harder for me to do something for myself, but it’s easier to do something for someone else.  When I am really having a hard time, I go through the motions, not for myself, but because I don’t want to let down my husband.  In the same way, I think I will be able to stay away from a relapse because I will be doing it for the tiny, helpless baby.

Now more than ever before, I need to dust off the positive body image phrases and all my coping skills.  As my clothes grow tighter, my self-esteem grows thin.

I am more than my pants size.  I am more than what I look like.  I am more than the number on the scale.
I’m going to be a mom – I don’t want to pass on another generation of eating disorders.

Something I’ve been telling myself when I’m tempted eat less or skip a meal is, “I definitely would not starve my baby outside the womb, so why would I starve my baby inside the womb?”  Growing babies can’t live off of your fat stores.  They can’t convert your reserves into fuel for energy.  A baby gets it’s nutrients from what you eat that day, throughout the day.  That’s why you have to eat regularly and frequently.  Knowing this fact really helps me keep the temptations under control.

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