Even though I’m only 12 weeks along, I feel like I’ve been to the office so much already. Before all this trouble, I wanted to be a low-maintenance momma who only went to the doctor a few times before giving birth. Having a baby seemed like such a natural thing. I thought the least amount of interference the better.
But now, I feel differently. I have to say, I am grateful for the doctors and all those early ultrasounds that allowed my husband and I to see and hear the heartbeat. It was such a relief to know that the baby was still alive.
A down side of frequenting the office is that the first thing the nurse does is take my weight. This stepping on the scale about every week or two has really taken a toll on my positive body image progress.
I don’t look when they take down my number – I turn the other way on the scale. But the process of weighing myself, even if I don’t know the outcome, is still very difficult for me. It makes me keenly aware of my size. Even if I don’t know, now other people know my weight. And I also find myself wondering whether or not I pass whatever growth chart I’m being compared to.
At a recently check-up, a nurse went through stacks of information from their pregnancy handbook. Don’t do this, do this, don’t do that, etc. Of course, she went through what to eat and what to not eat. I should be getting such and such calories of this and that, protein, carbohydrates, vitamins, and so forth.
Patiently, I smiled and nodded while on the inside it felt like nails on a chalkboard. I think my husband was having a more difficult time keeping his mouth shut. Even though he kept kicking my shin, I was flattered that he was looking out for my well-being.
I think the final straw was when the nurse told me about this “really cool” app that allows you to type in everything you eat during the day and it calculates how many calories you’re eating along with the nutritional values so you can see what you are doing wrong. I don’t know about you but it sounds like the perfect app for someone who is trying to recover from obsessive calories counting! That was sarcasm in case you could hear the voice inflection.
I know I’m not doing everything perfect. And to be quite honest, I don’t care. I can’t care. Do you remember my post about how I have to be a snob about my own eating habits? If I want to stay in recovery, than I have to believe that what I’m doing is the best for me, and now for the baby too.
No use trying to guilt trip me into changing my ways – I know that having a severe eating disorder while pregnant is much worse than making absolutely sure I’ve had enough dark greens for the day.
I’m not mad at the nurses or doctors, they don’t understand. They’re just doing what they think is best. It’s just sad to think that they’re handing out the “eating disorder app” to all who come to their office when 1 out of every 4 women struggle with some kind of eating disorder.