Welcome to my mind.
It is difficult for me to act all merry and cheery when I
don’t feel like it. Yet, at the same
time, I hate being the debbie-downer even more. So, I
usually just pretend like I’m having fun and most people don’t notice.
The small family parties are usually OK. Each of them knows my struggles and
understands to a certain degree. I feel
no pressure to be anybody I’m not, and I feel no pressure to do something I’m
not comfortable doing.
It’s the larger extended family things that get me in a
tizzy. The anxiety I experience
beforehand is overwhelming. I get caught
up in thinking about what I will say, what I will wear, and what I will eat. The ceaseless worrying takes over the
enjoyable anticipation.
I am so insecure
about not working that when it
comes to these kinds of events, I am tempted to make up a flashy career just so
I will have something to say when people ask, “So, what have you been up to
lately?”
I love staying home but I feel guilty when I talk about it
with other hard working people.
Sometimes, I don’t think others understand why I need to stay home. “Are
they judging me?” In the end, even
if they aren’t thinking it, I still feel lazy and bum-ish. Because, deep down inside, I feel like if I
try harder I could be more “normal”.
In addition to the
work thing, I get so worried about my weight in the days and weeks prior to
the parties. I often focus all my anxious
energy on body bashing and negative self-talk.
In the past, this is when my eating disorder would be the worst. Now, I understand that what I am really
worried about is whether or not I will be accepted. If I am truly honest with myself, I don’t
think I am good enough the way I am. In
my mind, if I was skinny and pretty, it would make up for my lack of social
skills or interesting talents.
When the party turns
to feasting, it is really difficult for me to eat in front of people I don’t
know that well. I feel like I am
being judged for everything I put in my mouth.
It’s like I can hear what people are thinking, “You shouldn’t be eating
that, it’s bad for you” or “it’s fattening” or “You shouldn’t be eating
anything – you should run around the block to try to lose some weight.”
I hear other people’s insecurities or justifications when
they say things like, “I guess I can eat more dessert since I ran six miles
this morning” or “I better work out tomorrow after all I ate today!” I know where those words are coming from because
I’ve been there myself once upon a time.
When all is said and done, things usually turn out OK. But needless to say, being at parties with
this kind of anxiety is no fun.
So, this year, to make the holiday parties more enjoyable,
I’m going to try a different angle.
1) Who cares what other people think? If they don’t think I’m good enough, then
that’s their problem. By the way,
they’re probably not thinking about me anyway – they’re probably thinking about
how they look to other people. If I spend my whole life worrying about what
other people will think of me, then I will miss out on the beauty of my own
unique individuality.
2) Be a smiling face.
Even if I don’t feel like it, try to smile more than not. Fake it
till you make it. Not that I am
trying to be “fake” or someone I’m not.
Just that if I want to possess a virtue I don’t have, then I must
imitate that virtue. I want to be
positive, uplifting, and share the joy of Christ. There are other times and places to express
the sorrow of the soul.
3) Eat what I want.
If I am hungry, or even if I just feel like eating, I must remember that
I do NOT have to earn the right to eat
food. I can enjoy a good Christmas
meal and seconds and thirds if I want.
I’ll eat slowly and savor all the flavors that only come around once a
year. I’ll be a good example of eating
“normally”. And I won’t regret it after!
4) Embrace the awkwardness.
Every conversation can’t be enlightening and at the epitome of class and
grace. I am not perfect. Sometimes I say stupid stuff. Who cares anyway? Everybody does it from time to time. Laugh it off and move on.
5) Stay away from mirrors…during the party and
beforehand. Since I am more tempted to
beat myself up this time of year, it would be helpful not to put myself in situations
where I have the opportunity. Right now,
I’m at once a day while I brush my teeth.
But if that proves too much, then I don’t know, I’ll have to cover it up
with a poster or something. I am amazed
at how much stronger my self-esteem is when I am not fighting with the mirror
every day.
If I go into the holidays with this kind of attitude, I will
be more likely to enjoy myself. I am
also hoping that, by telling myself these things now, I won’t have the debilitating
pre-party anxiety.
I hope you found these tips useful as well.
May your Christmas be filled with true joy and authentic
peace. Have a nourishing holiday!
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