Wednesday, November 13, 2013

How to make sure you get enough food this holiday season

{Photo credit here}
This time of year I am extremely bugged by all the “Diet” articles.  OK, well, ALL YEAR my blood pressure goes up when I see weight loss tips and tricks.  “10 ways NOT to gain 10 pounds before the New Year” or “The Best Tips to Keep You from Eating at Parties” or “How to Stick to your Diet during the Holidays”.

It’s all lies and distraction.

First off, these articles presuppose that we WILL gain weight during the Holidays.  Most people think that, left to our own devises, we will run amok and eat everything in sight.  Not true.  If we listen to our bodies and our needs, we won’t go crazy.  Binging episodes could happen IF you were dieting and restricting yourself from eating and enjoying food.  But, if you give yourself permission to eat today AND permission to eat tomorrow, you can have a healthy relationship with food.  Besides, it’s OK to gain weight.  Really, it’s OK.
Second, these articles give you the notion that the Holidays are a terrible time of year when you must practice extreme moderation and self-control in order to be worthy to start a new year.  The thing is, food enables us to keep living.  And the gift of good food exists for our enjoyment.  Thanksgiving and Christmas are a wonderful time of celebration when we can receive these good gifts.  It is appropriate, and good for you, to enjoy the pleasures of food.  If you try to act like Jillian Michaels this time of year, you will be distracted from the Reason for the Season.  Does anyone even remember anymore that we are celebrating Christ’s birth on December 25th?

So, below is MY list of 13 Holly-Jolly Tips for Eating during the Holidays.  (Proceed with caution; contents may contain sarcasm.)

In case you didn’t know, the holidays are quickly approaching.  Thanksgiving is about two weeks away, believe it or not.  You are probably beginning to worry about being able to get enough to eat and drink in the upcoming months.  The last thing you want to happen is January One rolls around and you’ve missed out on all the delicious desserts and scrumptious feasts.  Don’t worry.  Have no fear!  I’ve got the perfect plan for you and for anybody who wants to make sure they get enough sustenance and sweetness this year.

13 Holly-Jolly Tips for Eating at Parties

Tip #1:  Don’t let yourself get too hungry.  Because you can’t think straight on an empty stomach, in your dizziness, you might end up making bad food choices, like choosing fruit cake over pumpkin pie.  Or you might forget the whipped cream topping to your hot fudge sundae.  That would be tragic.

Tip #2:  Take time for exercise.  For example, a light walk around the shopping district or a stroll through the candy store will help keep your Christmas spirits up.  Or, you can also practice lifting bags of flour to get your muscles ready for lifting the utensil to your mouth.

Tip #3:  Plan a strategy.  Make sure you know which side of the table the cheesy potatoes will be set, and where all the best desserts will be placed.  You might also want to bring your own serving spoon to avoid delays.  It’s good to sit near all the food, because that is where all the fun company will be.

Tip #4:  Don’t eat before a party.  You know there’s going to be good food there, so why waste your appetite on stale tortilla chips or soggy peanut butter and jelly?

Tip #5:  Bring a box of granola bars or healthy snacks with you wherever you go.  In case you meet a homeless person, you will be able to give them something.  Or, you could invite them to the party.  That would be interesting!

Tip #6:  Find useful ways to avoid stress.  Naps are good…especially after a big meal.  Embrace those whacked out dreams, tryptophan is a psychedelic drug.

Tip #7:  Aim for Seven-a-day.  Secretly steal seven vegetables off different people’s plates and throw them in the trash.  Double points for making it in the garbage disposal.

Tip #8:  Use a small plate.  Remember to grab one in line and tuck it under your food plate.  It can be used as a fan in case the room gets too hot from the crowd.

Tip #9:  Don’t fill up on water.  Water is full of H2O.  That precious space can be filled with egg nog, hot chocolate, or champagne.  As my friend Mallory says, “if the glass ain’t fogged, your drink’s not nog”.  Apparently that’s what the elves sang just before they got her.

Tip #10:  Before you eat anything, ask yourself, “Could I put some dip on this?”

Tip #11:  Don’t go back for seconds.  Eat off other people’s plates.

Tip #12:  Balance your meals.  When you’re walking around, mingling with friends and family, and you’ve got pecan pie in one hand, make sure you put some crackers and cheese ball in the other.  You don’t want to tip over from the weight of it.

Tip #13:  Portion control.  Don’t let your portions boss you around.  Show them who’s in control.  Eat them.  That’s right.  You’re the boss; they’re just amounts of food.
Idea inspired, borrowed, and stolen from Mallory, author of “The Toast”



  1. still laughing! seriously! this was so unexpected and i LOVE it! #5 is HILARIOUS!

  2. Hilarious! Love it!