Monday, September 9, 2013

Colorless Day

Today, I have no positivity, no do-better-next-time, and no encouragement for anyone else.  I am questioning everything.  I am miserable.  I am ready to quit.

Is this just a bump in the road?  Is this what they call a setback or growing pains?  It feels like more.

I guess I’ve always known that I would have to struggle with depression and anxiety for the rest of my life.  But these last several weeks have taken a turn for the worse.

I thought I was managing well.  I thought I had coping skills for this kind of thing.  But, nothing seems to be going right.  At least, nothing seems to be going my way.

I know this difficulty is rooted in the fact that I “feel” too fat to be loved and too fat to do the things I want to do.  It’s time to lose weight.  I’ll be happy again when I am thin.

These lies are relentless and I am so tired of fighting them.

How do I know when enough is enough?  What if my symptoms get worse?  Will I know if I should go back on the medication?

I really don’t want to go back to the way I was.

If you’ve noticed, I haven’t been blogging as much lately because, well, I haven’t been doing very well.  Life is tough for me at the moment.  I feel like I must always end my posts on a positive note, with some kind of encouragement, or resolution to do better.  So, I feel like I shouldn’t be posting at all right now.

Hang with me as I go through this - whatever it is.  Hopefully I’ll find it back – whatever it was.

Prayers are appreciated.  I’ll be praying for you too.


  1. I so appreciate your honesty, Mary. This just wouldn't be a true blog from someone who deals with anxiety/depression firsthand if you put a positive spin on every post. That's not real life, and that's definitely not real life for someone who carries those crosses. I'll continue to pray for you every night! You are not alone. <3

    1. Thank you so much, Rachel. I needed to hear this. You're right, real life is not all positivity and optimism. Thank you so much for your prayers. I can definitly tell someone's been praying for me;) You are such a sweet lady. It is so comforting to know you're rooting for me.

  2. I've been missing your posts! And thinking about you, thinking something like this might be happening. You don't know me but I feel connected to you through your writing and really want you to see how wonderful you are! And maybe this is said over and over but you're definitely not alone. Many people, unfortunately, struggle with anxiety and depression...and people like you make it easier to bear, easier to hope for a time when they will be out of that cloud.

    In terms of your own situation, times usually get worse before they get better. You're definitely stronger than you were before, and you'll come out of this even stronger. Who knows, it could be the last time you feel this terrible, at least without new wisdom to help you out faster the next time. Hang in there, you're awesome.

    1. Wow! Thank you so much for your very kind comment! I am blown away. Thank you for the encouragment and the reminder that I am not alone. Your words mean more to me than you'll ever know. It is so comforting to hear you say that this could be the last time I have to feel this way. So often I get stuck thinking that I am going to be like this forever...that this "feeling" is going to be the death of me. But, you're right. I have come a long way. And I am much better off than I was just last year. Thank you again for the note of confidence. You're pretty awesome yourself!

    2. You're welcome - we have to help each other. Have you read the Inner Voice of Love by Henri Nouwen? As a Catholic you may find it very helpful (though I think anyone would find it helpful). He wrote it in his deepest depression, and it is full of hope and reminders. If you haven't, check it out! I've read it many times. -Laura