Many artists and creative persons struggle with anxiety and depression.
Artists are not known for their superb mental health. You need only be in high school to understand
that there is some truth to the artist’s stereotype.
It’s not such a bad thing, though.
Artist’s can use their sensitivity, wide-range of emotion,
and relentless internal struggle to find the meaning of life to their advantage. Even though, these are seemingly unwanted characteristics,
they are the heart and soul of good art.
Artists can often see things that most people miss. And, artists can often relate to people in
ways that verbal communication falls short.
I think that, in some ways, these traits are what make them
good artists. I guess, I'd like to believe that because I fall into that category.
In other cases, if the artist is unaware of his/her unique
soul, it can be the thing that holds them back.
In my own experience, I feel like I have to be perfect before I can create. Because I didn’t know that my “flaws and
shortcomings” were what made me a good artist, I kept myself from cultivating
my favorite hobby.
These roadblocks were exasperated by an unfortunate occurrence.
A few years ago, I had an unlucky experience with painting
that aggravated my painting anxiety. Because
of it, I handed in my artist’s badge with the intention of giving up painting
for good.
I was commissioned to paint a large quantity of work for a
lady my mom knew. She was a really nice
woman and was a joy to work with. Her
and her husband were remodeling part of their house, and they wanted some new
artwork to grace the new walls. During
the planning and preparing process, I had so much fun. I enjoyed it so much that I thought I found
my new life’s work. In my elated mind, I
was on my way to having my dream job.
She had contacts, status, and a promising future for me.
However, after I began the paintings, this woman’s husband
became ill with cancer. In a matter of
months, right after I finished all the paintings, this poor woman’s husband
passed away. I was devastated. I was so sad for her and her loss that I
mourned this man like he was a dear friend.
It was unfathomable to me why God would allow that to happen.
I never wanted to paint again. In some way, I believed, his death was my
fault. I believed this happening was a
sign from God telling me that it was not
God’s will for me to be a painter.
So, just like that, I quit.
The commissioned paintings sat in my basement for a while,
perhaps a year, reminding me of all the death and despair in the world. Because I was already struggling with
depression and anxiety, I let this experience bring me to a new low. Eventually, I had my mom bring the paintings
to the lady, because I sure as heck couldn’t handle it and couldn’t handle
seeing them anymore. And no way was I
going to take money from her either.
This unfortunate experience was the beginning of a painting
drought. In my mind, bad things happened
when I painted so I was never going to do it again. In reality, that was the one and only time,
so far, that something bad happened when I painted. And maybe, it wasn’t as bad as I made it out
to be.
Maybe, the woman who commissioned the artwork loved the
paintings? Maybe she was comforted by
them knowing it was the last project her and her husband worked on
together? Maybe I just have no idea and
should move on?
Slowly, coinciding with my recovery from depression and
anxiety, I realized it was OK to paint again.
However, the experience has definitely left its mark. It’s been a huge struggle to learn how to
overcome my anxiety with painting.
I feel like even the smallest bump in the road can keep me
from doing what I love to do.
And if my fear of something bad happening isn’t enough to
keep me from painting, I also have perfectionism and procrastination to deal with.
I feel like everything else has to be done first before I am
allowed to paint. And I also feel like
everything has to be perfect if I
want to spend my time creating art. Perfectionism
and procrastination, I think, are two sides of the same coin.
The house has to be clean, the dishes have to be done, and
the laundry must be folded and put away.
The endless list of chores must be completed before I allow myself to
paint a single stroke.
Also, the situation, environment, and circumstances have to
be just right for me to even think about devoting time to a project. I have to have a decently long chunk of
time. If I do end up painting, I might
only paint for 15-20 minutes; but it takes over an hour to build up my
confidence and an hour to decompress and move on with my day. In order to paint, I also have to feel good
and I have to have the right supplies. If
everything isn’t absolutely perfect, all is lost. No more painting for me.
In the event that everything IS perfect, all the other
things are done, and I can’t find anything else to clean, magically, I’ll find
something else to do to whittle my time away.
The only time I ever floss my teeth is if I am trying to
complete a painting.
If I keep going with this painting routine, I’ll probably
create another two whole paintings before I die. But, on the bright side, I’ll have incredible
healthy teeth!
So what do I do about it?
Well, the main problem is that I have unrealistic painting expectations.
I have unrealistic expectations in ALL areas of my
life. So it is obvious to me that I
would have unrealistic expectations with painting as well.
Before I start to paint, I make a list of all my
expectations for that project.
Example:
I want to finish it in one dayIt has to look exactly like the picture
I can’t waste any paint
It has to be a masterpiece
There can be no mistakes
Then, after completing the list, I slowly let go and cross
off each item on that list.
With anything you want to do, it is important to realize, if
you have unrealistic expectations, it's going to keep your from achieving your goals. Maybe,
the expectations are from yourself or maybe you are letting other people put these
expectations on you. Either way, it is
important to recognize what rules you are trying to live by.
If you liked this article, check out these similar posts:
Curing Anxiety, Part 1
Curing Anxiety, Part 2
Curing Anxiety, Part 3
Promoting a Positive Body Image
Unlikely Places for Eating Disorder Recovery
It is so good to hear that other people feel this way! I have many creative projects lined up in my head - for the house, for my baby on the way, just for fun - and I never begin any of them because the kitchen needs re-set after every meal and I don't have enough energy for everything. I've often thought, "that's my anxiety," then quickly corrected myself: "no, that's just an excuse." As always, thank you for writing and for showing me that I'm not alone. :)
ReplyDeleteIt is so hard to let go of things in the house...like chores and cleaning and such. It is probably part of our FOO (Family of Origin) :)
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