Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Number 1 Eating Disorder Trigger


I've noticed that the number one cause of an eating disorder relapse is gossip. Whether or not I'm participating in it, and whether or not it's weight/looks related, I am still affected.

Where two or three are gathered, gossip lurks.

Look at what she is wearing? Wait, who is looking at me and saying the same thing?

She is so beautiful! I wish I was worthy enough for that kind of compliment!

I don't know how she finds the time to get everything done! When was the last time I took a shower?

Can you believe she said that? I know for a fact there are things I shouldn't have said.

I guess my point (and the reminder I am giving myself) is that gossip is destructive to more than just the one gossiped about. After participating in, or idly standing by, conversations about other people, I am 100% more likely to scrutinize myself.

When I harshly analyze myself, I'm certain to find flaws I'm unhappy about. When I get too down, I tend to try and make myself feel better with destructive behavior; synchronizing how I feel on the inside with how I act on the outside.

Considering my emotions, if I feel empty and worthless, it makes sense to me to not eat or not eat that much so that, physically, I feel empty and worthless as well. If I feel happy and content and full of love, then I tend to feed myself appropriately.

Obviously, this thinking is wrong. I have to find a way to treat myself with respect no matter what I feel on the inside. When it comes down to it, feelings are just feelings. I am not reduced to the sum of what I feel. My actions are what determine my fate.

With Christmas parties approaching and ample time to spend in potentially awkward interactions, I am going to make a commitment not to use gossip in conversation.

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