I’ve got about a 4 week countdown to my due date. However, I feel like I could use another several months to mentally prepare.
Recently, I’ve been having a lot of anxiety and a lot of down days. I’ve been frustrated with myself for not coping with it well. Considering my life is about to change forever, I should cut myself some slack.
I am good at dealing with the everyday anxiety and depression that has been a part of my life for the past several years. I have good routines, good coping skills, and good, healthy habits…for the most part.
But, now, I’m not able to overcome my fear of the future. I have absolutely no idea how I am going to handle life with a newborn baby. I realize that I’m not always going to be able to deal with my anxiety and depression in the same ways I have been. I can’t just go for a walk whenever I want to. I can’t just take a shower whenever I feel like it. I can’t just sleep whenever I need to. The fear of not being able to cope with all the changes scares me so much.
I’ve always been afraid of things that I don’t have control over. The future holds a lot of changes, probably the most I’ve ever had to experience, and that terrifies me.
There are so many “what ifs” running through my head during the day (and night). I’m afraid of forgetting to do something or get something important before the baby comes. It’s like I’m afraid I’m suddenly going to forget how to think like a rational adult.
I am also afraid of things not being “perfect”. I want to be perfectly prepared, I want to have the perfect labor and delivery, I want to be the perfect post-partum mom, I want to have the perfect nursing experience, I want to perfectly lose all the baby weight, and I want to perfectly take care of this new child. Not to mention, I want to be able to handle every situation perfectly and take care of myself perfectly.
I know in my head that this perfectionism is recipe for disaster, but I can’t help but think this way. It's more difficult to overcome because I'm not just thinking about myself anymore...there is another human being involved.
I’m afraid I’m going to have to start back at square one after I have the baby – learning how to deal with stress, anxiety, fear, perfectionism, and depression all over again. Just the thought of putting all that work into recovering again is exhausting.
I don’t want to fall apart, but I’m falling apart because I’m afraid I’m going to fall apart…