Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Finding Permission to Rest

Rembrandt, 1654
I have a difficult time letting myself rest.  I know I am growing another human being inside of me, but I feel guilty for sleeping as much as I do.
It’s like I need someone to tell me that I have permission to rest every day.  I can’t give myself permission because it makes me feel super selfish.

One of my biggest fears is that my husband thinks I’m lazy.  I also fear that my friends think I’m defective or needy because of how much I struggle with anxiety and depression.

Ever since I quit my job (and before that, I guess), I’ve struggled with giving myself realistic expectations.  Even though I believe what I’m doing is right and I’ve made the decision to stay home, I feel guilty for not working a job.  Because of this guilt, I feel like I have to compensate by accomplishing things at home.

Last time, I talked about my crazy to-do lists.  I have these expectations of myself to “get things done” during the day.  But most of the time, I don’t get much done because I’m tired all the time and I sleep A LOT more than I used to.

When I don’t get “enough” done…well, let’s just say I am really hard on myself.  I put a lot of pressure on myself to be “perfect” and so when I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything, I get down.  I feel unworthy, undeserving, and inferior compared to all my other female peers.

I’ve been reading this book, “Breastfeeding and Catholic Motherhood: God’s Plan for You and Your Baby”, by Sheila M. Kippley.  It’s a great book – I highly recommend it.  It talks a lot about the importance of staying home with your children, not to mention the benefits of breastfeeding.  Recently, I read a passage that helped me with my guilt:
Only a woman can conceive a human being, give birth to her child, and nurture her child at the breast.  Because the spiritual is based on the natural, this indicates the heart of femininity as life-bearer and nurturer.  Only the Holy Spirit can guide us to understand and develop this rightly.
Even with these initial insights into true [masculinity and] femininity, it obviously takes courage to be ourselves. Leadership requires sacrifice and the willingness to be rejected.  It takes courage to lead.  In an abortifacient, contraceptive culture, how courageous women are to conceive, birth, and nurture human life?  Take courage and be yourself.

Our culture has definitely influenced me to believe that I must be productive for society in order to feel worthy.  That if I choose not to work outside the home and instead stay home and raise my children, I am looked down upon and thought inferior.  I know I struggle with this standard because of my guilt.

Yet at the same time, it is ingrained in the heart of woman to desire to nurture and receive life, and so by staying home and raise the children God gives us, we can fulfill the deepest desires of our heart.  However, if we’re not vigilant, that ultimate calling can be stifled by the current culture’s demands on women or the ever present “need” for status or material things.

Contrary to society’s beliefs, our Catholic faith teaches that mothers are doing irreplaceable and important work by staying home and raising children.  You are giving your children the best gift you can give them – yourself – when you choose to raise them yourself.

Of course, like with lots of other Catholic ways, being a good mother requires going against the grain, opposite the flow, and all those other analogies.  In a certain sense, being a stay-at-home mom is a silent way to be a witness for the Faith.  Perhaps I am experiencing this tension because this is precisely the objective of the enemy – he wants to “devalue” my life and make me feel unworthy of my calling.

When I have a lot of anxiety about if what I am doing is the right thing, I remember that staying home is what God wants of me.  Growing a baby inside of me is good enough in His eyes – I don’t have to do anything more.

It’s OK if I sleep a lot.  I need to listen to my body and then I will know what I need.  I don’t have to do great things or accomplish lots of tasks, however miniscule they are.  The most important thing I can do right now is to take care of myself and, in turn, take care of the baby inside of me.  Everything else can be put into God’s hands.

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