Why I haven't been blogging much lately...

I haven’t been blogging much lately because looking at the computer screen makes me nauseous.  And I’m nauseous because I’m pregnant.

We’re very excited to take on this new adventure in our lives.  Of course, I’m scared out of my mind, anxious about the future, and terrified to gain weight.  I’m at no shortage for blogging material – as soon as the morning sickness subsides, there will be an avalanche of posts.  Take this as your formal warning.

But before I embark on the pregnancy hormone journey, I would like to write first about loss, grief, and the pain of not being able to have a child when you so desperately want to have one.

Many people have trouble conceiving or trouble keeping the pregnancy to full term.  I, myself, had two miscarriages so far.  I’m not ready to write about those experiences, yet I do want to say that it has greatly shaped who I am now as a woman, mother, and wife.

I always knew that a child was a gift from God.  But now I know that a baby is nothing short of a miracle sent from Heaven personally delivered to you from God to take care of for however long or short of time He decides.

The suffering that incurs from wanting to have a baby and not being able to is far greater than any other suffering I’ve ever encountered.  Even more so, the loss of a child brought on so many “Why God?” pleadings that I became resentful of God and of suffering.

The emotions, the grief, the unanswerable questions are sometimes too much to handle.  I can see how the experience can tear people and relationships apart, not to mention one’s relationship with God.

The phrase “It was God’s will” really bothered me.  I realized that it was unsettling to me because I was thinking of God’s will in the wrong way.  He isn’t some sadistic being waiting for just the perfect moment to make our lives sad and miserable.  No, God does not cause evil to happen; He can’t because He is all-good, perfect, all-powerful.  He only allows evil to happen because in His all-knowing mind He sees that a greater good can come from it.  We often don’t see what He sees right away – we might not even understand completely until we’re in Heaven.

When tragic things like infertility or miscarriages happen, God grieves with us and weeps with us when we are in such inconsolable pain.

Instead of thinking what happened was “God’s Will” per se, I think that He only allowed the tragedy to happen because a greater good will come from it.

It’s common these days to ask recently married couples if they are expecting, if they are trying to have a baby, or if they even want kids.  After our experience, I won’t ever ask anyone those questions again.  Often times, as people of faith, we can err in the opposite direction and judge someone for not having a lot of kids.  When in reality, we have absolutely no idea what is going on in their lives.

My heart goes out to everyone who is having a difficult time having a baby.  I pray for you and hope that God answers your prayers.

If anyone has any thoughts or prayers to spare, please say a few for us too.  I am about 11 weeks pregnant.  It’s the farthest I’ve made it out of the three pregnancies so far.  Everything seems to be going well – we’ve already had three ultrasounds and heard the heartbeat every time.  This last time, Junior was wiggling around and didn't want his picture taken.  (We probably won't find out the gender, I like the idea of the suspense.)

I’m glad the news is finally public because it’s been hard to write about anything else.