Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Accepting My-new-Self

Recently, there have been some difficult things in my life that I can’t control.  So, with intentions to ease the uncertainty, I’ve reverted back to my old eating disorder mindset.

I’m unhappy.  If I lost some weight, I wouldn’t be so unhappy.

Because my habits are now with intuitive eating, I haven’t acted on these feelings yet.  But I am tempted to - which is frustrating to say the least.  Again, my mind is beginning to be consumed with thoughts of diets, exercise, and smaller clothes.

I believe that, right now, these eating disorder temptations are acting as a distraction.  Instead of focusing on what’s really going on in my life, I am trying to control what I eat.  Because it seems easier, because the real issues are too painful to acknowledge.

I’ve been practicing intuitive eating for some time now.  When I started this new approach I was underweight.  I could not admit that fact for months, and I still have a difficult time saying it (or writing it) out loud.
Nonetheless, since I was underweight and undernourished, part of overcoming my eating disorder meant returning to a healthy, natural weight.  I never really knew what my healthy, natural weight was because I constantly fluctuated up and down since high school.   I avoid scales like the plague, but I think I am somewhere around 30 pounds heavier than I was a few years ago.
For someone with an eating disorder, 30 pounds is a very big deal.

Recognizing this fact, I’ve had to come to terms with an important realization concerning my feelings about my weight:

This is the new me.

I am not that person I used to be.  I am not a person with an eating disorder.  I am not a person that fits into those clothes anymore.  This is not a phase.  This is not temporary until I can figure out how to lose weight again.  This is the new me.

I am no longer that size.  I have curvy hips in the non-Hollywood way, a large cup size that makes bra and shirt shopping irritating, and a some chubb around my middle that makes me cry when I see it in the mirror.

If I am truly and honestly going to get over this whole eating disorder thing.  Than I have to accept the new me as I am right now.  More than that, I have to believe that this IS the true me – truer than I’ve ever been in the past.  This is what I look like now and I have to come to terms with that fact and move on with my life.

Something I've been putting off is going through my closet.  I have to get rid of 3/4th of my clothes and start over.  I have to give up those old items that I used to love because they made me look skinny and those things that I took pride in because of the small number on the tag.  All of my favorite dresses and jeans have to say goodbye.  The worst part for me, Ms Frugal, is that I have to spend the money to get a new wardrobe.

I think my worst fear is that I can no longer look beautiful, or even just "good", and put together for that matter.  Stores do not sell clothes for a 5 ft 11 in, 170 pound woman who is trying to be modest.  I know there will be tears and shame and more tears before all is said and done.

But I must commit to this mission.  Being thin or losing weight will not make me happy.  I don’t want to go back down that E.D. path.  It is all lies and deception.

I heard something the other day that I find myself repeat over and over in times like this.  It went something like this (I don’t remember where it’s from) “Outward beauty does not penetrate your soul, but beauty on the inside shines out through your skin.”
If I focus on the big picture, maybe I can get through this trial.  There are things in life that I want more than a small waist.  Some days I just need more reminders.

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