Because I'm fat...

Because I’m fat, I can’t run anymore.

My knees hurt.  I can’t run as fast or as far as I used to.  I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t run anymore because I’ve gain too much weight.

My knees are hurting me because they can’t support my fatness.

It’s not because I ran a marathon last fall and still haven’t fully recovered.

It’s not because I tried to rollerblade the other day for the first time in years in 20 mph wind.

It’s not because I push myself too hard and don’t know when to stop.

It’s not because I’m getting older.

It’s not because I’m still running in my marathon training shoes.

No.

I can’t run anymore because I’m fat.

I heard this story a while back – a tall, lengthy basketball player got a scholarship to play for a big university.  The coach wanted him to bulk up, gain more weight, and build more muscle in hopes that he would be a better player.  The student athlete took supplements and lifted daily.  He achieved his goals but then started having knee problems.  It got so bad that he couldn’t play his favorite sport anymore.  So he took some time off, stopped taking the supplements, stopped lifting weights, and went back to his normal schedule.  Viola!  No more knee problems.  Next year, he was a starter and had a lot of success.

Because of hearing this story I am convinced that my knees hurt because I’m too heavy.  No thing or no one is going to be able to make me believe otherwise.  My knees hurt because they can no longer support the weight I’ve gained like the basketball player in my story.

If I wasn’t so fat, all my problems would go away.

If I can’t run anymore, I don’t know what I’m going to do.  I feel like I would lose part of myself if I could no longer be a runner.  Running has been my crutch, my stress reliever, my proud accomplishment, and the only thing that can make me feel better in some situations.

Before this happened, I wanted to get to a place, mentally, where I can enjoy exercising because it enhances the quality of my life.  Is running the only thing, the only form of exercise, that can fulfill my need to be strong, healthy, and happy?

Part of me is still holding onto the belief that, if I run a lot, I’ll keep the weight off.  I won’t let anything else replace running because, deep down in my gut, I believe running is the most effective weight-loss technique.  I won’t give anything else an honest try.  I won’t replace running with biking or walking, even thought they might be better for me.

I honestly don’t know what to do.  The only way I know how to feel better is if I run.

Just going through the motions for the time being…

Since I can't end on a negative note, I must give myself some kind of pep talk.

 

All I got today is: "fake it till you make it”.  Repeat (1) on playlist.