It had been my intention to continue to go to counseling
even after I was “recovered”. I thought
it would help me maintain my state of mental health and prevent any major
setbacks by catching them early. But I
find myself here, one year later, having not been back.
Part of my dilemma is that I don’t feel like I can go back
to place I did before. Because it was a
crisis center, I don’t feel like I deserve a spot there. There are plenty of people who need the
services more than me. The center was
always busy, and the staff was always overworked. I would feel guilty if I went…like I was
taking up space…space someone else needed more than me.
When I think about it, it’s not just that place that I don’t
feel I can go. I don’t feel like I can
go anywhere.
I continue to struggle with depression and anxiety, yet I
know I’m not as bad as I once was. I’m
not nearly as bad as some people who need counseling more than me. I hate feeling like I don’t belong somewhere
or I am wasting someone’s time. Even if
I am paying them for their services, I am keenly aware of when I am burdening
someone. Counselors and Therapists are
human too – how can they handle listening to people’s problems day after day
and not get worn out or develop a mental illness themselves?
...Just some of the thoughts that go through my head.
Even though I think I need regular counseling, I talk myself out of it. I don’t feel like I deserve counseling.
Even though I think I need regular counseling, I talk myself out of it. I don’t feel like I deserve counseling.
The fact that I said “I don’t feel I deserve” should raise
some red flags. Part of the reason why I
ended up in a mental hospital was because I had such a poor self-worth and didn't take care of myself...symptoms of my depression.
I need to remind myself that I am deserving, I am worthy,
and I should not feel guilty for trying to take care of myself. If anyone tries to make me feel bad for doing
what I do, then that is their problem…not mine.
Easier said then done...